Several high ranking, confidential sources inside the Kremlin have confirmed that former KGB First Chief Directorate superstar VLADIMIR PUTIN has started training very hard in the hopes of landing an amateur tryout contract with the American Hockey League’s Phantoms when the Philadelphia Flyers’ top minor league affiliate relocates to ALLENTOWN, Pennsylvania, to play in CHAIRMAN PAWLOWSKI’s expensive $ 160.0 million dollar PALACE OF SPORT.
Reportedly, the current Prime Minister of Russia has expressed enthusiasm about boosting ice hockey’s popularity among the ever-expanding Latino Population in the CTIY WITH NO LIMITS. Hispanics, who are said to already comprise nearly 50% of Allentown’s citizenry at present, are not traditionally known to follow the fast-paced sport as much as, say, Beisbol or Futbol. Still, Putin is thought to remain undaunted by the obvious challenges that lay ahead.
“My Spanish is excellent and, naturally, Cuban dictator FIDEL CASTRO continues to remain a great friend of mine,” Putin has allegedly proclaimed. “I really look forward to playing in a city such as Allentown where the courageous local heavy-handed authority has, without hesitation, the intestinal fortitude to seize private property efficiently through the use of Eminent Domain. I am sincerely and truly inspired by the Chairman and his compliant Rubber Stamp Council of Apparatchiks to achieve ice hockey excellence and have every confidence that I will fit in quite well at the grand Palace of Sport.”
The pricey arena in Allentown is expected to be completed in time for the start of the 2013-14 AHL season. Ironically enough, that will also be an Olympic year with the Games of the XXII Winter Olympiad scheduled to be hosted by Sochi in Russia. But Putin has, apparently, put his priorities in order and squarely set his sights on attaining even greater glories.
Minor league ice hockey analysts and the BROOKS GROUP both know that the Phantoms will need to build up product recognition and blend in seemlessly with the local community upon arrival in Allentown. Chairman Pawlowski has made bold predictions of 2.5 million people attending the Palace of Sport which are bound to be forgotten by Pravda, er, ah, THE MORNING CALL, if necessary, but the pressure is on, nevertheless. The addition of an already well-known international figure like Vladimir Putin to the fledgling Allentown Phantoms would certainly put an influential face on a franchise which will be desperate to sell tickets and fill the building each and every night, no question about it.
“If you think I am any good at engineering elections and so forth,” Putin is said to have bragged to his trainers, “just wait until the Phantoms and the Chairman get a good load of what I can do to manipulate the American Hockey League attendance figures.”